image Fear of relationships and the single mom (part 2)

You hear that all you need is love.  I think that is bullshit. Yes you need love but you also need support, understanding, trust, communication and so much more.  We all need different things when we get involved in a relationship.  I believe that single parents who are entering the dating scene again need more than what they used to need.  It’s a scary thing to just allow someone new into your life and especially into your child’s life and you require more than you used to when you were single and kid-less. There is so much more riding on your success as a person when there is an addition to your life AKA boyfriend or girlfriend.  Then there is the time frame question… How long do I want to introduce my partner to my kids?”

 

It is a fear we have that when we introduce our kids to someone we are dating that we will hurt them in some way.  Never the intention of course.  For me I am just afraid to not have it work out and now have my daughter attached to someone that may have become important in her eyes.  But the funny thing is I have never been so sure of a relationship before.  I KNOW he is a great guy and would never do anything to hurt me.  I’ve never felt in my heart that the guy is incredibly faithful. This one is.  So why again did I push him away?  Once again it’s all me and my fear…

 

So I needed to ask myself this question, or questions is more like it:

1. What exactly is it that I am afraid of?

Turns out the answer is: I am set in my ways and I don’t want to change

2. How can I change my view?

I can simply picture myself in a long term committed relationship with him and his boys. Living together and acting as a family.  OMG I got excited. I remember when I was married I really enjoyed coming home to someone and taking care of stuff.  I liked making dinner and just settling in with someone at the end of the night.  I really did like all that stuff but I learned to push it away because I never wanted to experience hurt and losing someone again, and this time it includes my daughter.

 

I was super excited in thinking this way and all I had to do was take the time to think about, really think about it. This is why that alone time FOR ME is vital.  When I have my alone time I recharge and think clearly.  If I am in a situation where I am overwhelmed or feeling pressured to make a decision, I back away and may do things or say things I would regret.  This is why I did what I did…- the breakup for time #4.

 

I have decided that if making a relationship work is what I really want, and it is, i need to be 100% clear that I NEED my time and I need to know that this will be honored.  I know it will be because whenever I ask for something, I usually get it from him.  I need to also keep myself calm and pinpoint when I am feeling stress or pressure and I need to do something that will calm my nerves and clear my brain.  I don’t think the fear will completely go away and that is normal but there are better ways to deal.

 

All in all I am ready to move forward, let him and his boys into our, mine and my daughter’s life.  We can do this! I am seeing the big picture here now when in the past I wasn’t even letting myself, I was just seeing this as a long term thing that would go no where.  I told myself that is what I wanted and when you lie to yourself enough, you really start to believe and it becomes your reality.

 

It is so easy to get stuck in a pattern, a pattern that you are not completely happy with.  This is okay but at least give yourself the opportunity to try and make it better.  By changing things in your life whether it be little habits such as when you shower in the day, or big things such as moving in with a partner, you open up a new view on life.  You realize that change is scary, fucking scary but you can shift your views to however you want to see it.  You can get excited about it.  Look at the good things about the change.  Why is this beneficial for you and how can improve your life.  If you constantly push opportunities away, you tend to look at what you will be losing and that just sucks.

 

It’s so funny that me, miss positive and trying to improve my life and views all the time is so damn scared to allow the person I love fully into my world. I use all the excuses I can find by seeing the negatives.  I am done.  Admitting it here and now to you all.  I love him and I don’t want to fuck this up again…ever.

 

You can never have too much self-development and I feel this has been a huge shift in my life and in my views.  I am thankful for this experience and look forward to the future and what it has in store for me and my baby girl.

 

xoxo, laurenjean
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