Feeling closed in, anxious, heart beating fast. I start to get claustrophobic once again. I am back in the same situation i was in 2 months ago and 1 month before and 1 month before that as well. It all started when we hit our 1 year anniversary in July.
To celebrate our 1 year we went on our first trip as a couple, to Las Vegas. I had fun don’t get me wrong but the time leading up to the trip was stressful because I knew how different we were and all I could think about was “OMG I don’t want to gamble, I’m not going to party and drink, I just want to relax and take some time to relax by the pool, walk around, and go to the spa.” I knew the spa part wasn’t for him but its something I do on every trip I go on. It’s like a ritual of mine. I NEED IT. I knew he was a free soul who was interested in not much while we were there. He wanted to chill, walk around, have some drinks and just enjoy each others company. I did know what I was getting myself into. I told myself I was okay with that and for the most part I really was.
I became more and more frustrated as we got to the end of the trip but was trying so hard to push away the feelings I was having. Symptoms of my unhappiness showed up as a major stomachache the last night we were there and I blamed it on the greasy food we ate. I couldn’t even move by the time we made it back to the room.
I break up with him the day after we get back for the first time. I felt horrible, like shit and a horrible person. We get back together the next day. This is at the end of August and the first time.
December 28th of that same year- I can’t take it and I have another episode of the world is ending. What is going on I am still wondering. It it hormonal? Is it stress? I have no fucking idea but I know I want the feeling to stop. So I end my relationship once again for the fourth time because this is what I do when when i feel this way. I tell him I need space and I’m feeling pressured. But why? He is not asking anything of me, i am in my head again. He gets angry and starts saying nasty things because this is how he reacts. I hurt him and I hurt him bad again because like i said this is the fourth time.
After this being the fourth time this is happening I come to realize that this is it. He told me if I ended it a 4th time that would be it. I was frustrated and relieved at the same time. In that moment I believed I did the right thing. What my heart needed was to be free of him, of any relationship that i felt pressure in. I had asked in the past for some time and he just wouldn’t give it. He is the type who needed to know I was there and all his. I would have been okay if I had the time to sit, chill and really be with my thoughts but i was never given that opportunity because he had to know I was his and if I wasn’t he was done. I didn’t want to lose him, I was totally in love with him and just in a hard spot.
Let me share with you my reasons for feeling like this..
- we are so different in our thoughts, likes, food (this is huge for me, considering my orthorexia), wants
- he likes to hang out at bars and restaurants, i want to try new things and drink coffee and relax
- i love to read and expand on my self-development, he is perfectly content on where he is
- im super independent and this is how I air out and get excited about things, he enjoys that constant contact.
I have come to realize that these differences are perfectly okay and no two people are exactly alike. We balance out each other and we both have things to bring to the table.
1997: Let me share how i got to be like this.
I was married very young at the age of 24 and I was with him since just before my 18th birthday. We we best friends who worked together. He had a thing for me and just took a chance by kissing me at a friends sweet 16. We dated through my college years and he proposed when I was 21 inside my dorm room one night.
I had never even dated anyone else and was thrilled with the idea of being married, i guess because that is what society puts on us. What young girl would say no to a beautiful sparkly diamond ring? Is it the thought of the giant wedding and all the attention or are we actually excited at spending the rest of our life with the same person? For me i didn’t think of all the future stuff. I never even imagined it kids and all.
Well after I graduated and went back home we started to plan the wedding. I got laid off from the job I worked hard to get out of college. I found my ideas on what I wanted to do changing and having nothing to lose I went with it. I received my certificate as a personal trainer and got a job at a local gym. I was excited and supercharged but found that my fiancé and I were growing apart. He had been accepted to the fire academy which was his dream and I was happy for him.
I had all these fears approaching the wedding and I even told him one night that I needed time and I asked if we could push off for awhile. His answer was its now or never. So what kind of pressure do you think that puts a girl though? So i did it.
The morning of the wedding I was okay but when we got to the church (btw I didn’t want it in a church but out of respect to his parents we had it at one, mistake again) i hid in a corner almost hyperventilating, then i got married. Three months later in September I had to get out, so I did.
I had the courage to escape that which in my eyes now was huge. Too many people stay where they shouldn’t be. We don’t listen to our intuition and our heart aches for more or better. I just knew in my heart it wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair to myself or him to live a lie and fake it.
Two months later i met someone else who I also fell into a relationship with and eventually married and had my daughter with. We had different issues and it just didn’t work out so we divorced. No need to go into the details here. My point is i never gave myself healing time between the first and second relationships. I never knew who I was and what I really wanted out of life.
After I divorced the second time I was a single mom with a 2 and a half year old little girl so dating was the last thing on my mind. I was also 8 years older, had a full time job in the career I am still in now and no time for anything but work and caring for my daughter. She was first in my eyes and I had to keep her happy and unaffected. And she was happy.
At that time right after the divorce I was feeling lost, sad, and depressed. I had always been with someone. Only for 2 months between the first and second relationships did I have time for myself but I wasn’t finding myself then. I didn’t know about self development, i just knew about keeping busy to take my focus off my sadness. I was hiding my sadness in activities to forget it without realizing what I was doing I wasn’t allowing myself to really FEEL.
I didn’t even know what feeling my feelings was then.
So… I eventually got used to being alone and i really started to enjoy it. I didn’t have to answer to anyone, I didn’t have to share anything with anyone, I did what I wanted when I wanted how I wanted. I started to become selfish in a way that I felt good about. Im not talking about being a bitch or not caring about anyone but I was taking care of what I want to. My money situation became much better because I had control of it. I paid off a credit card in less than a year and got my finances back to where I was comfortable.
Now that I was okay being alone I started to like having control over everything in my life because that is how I stayed happy. I knew exactly what would happen if I did something and I avoided it if I anticipated an outcome I would not like. I became sort of a control freak but I believed it was an okay thing for me at the time. I started to let what my ex-husband thought of me or what I did as less than important. This was a hard thing to do but I was able to do it in most situations now. I felt great!
So i got to be the way I was through becoming completely independent and not allowing anyone in my life because If i did I might lose control of my feelings and thoughts and get lost in a situation once again. So I just didn’t allow this to happen. Somehow I was able to turn on the excitement when someone new came into my life but I could turn that switch off very easily when he did or said something I didn’t like or when we just didn’t have time to get together.
I did that for such a long time, almost 4 years. Then something happened. I allowed myself to be more that just friends with someone more than just talking and having fun. He was forward but quiet, passionate, sweet, caring, and so much more. He was pushing me in a direction I wasn’t comfortable with but I went with it cause he was aggressive in getting what he wanted and I was turned on by that. I gave it a chance and he wanted to be together, like really be together. I had my fears, concerns, and i was terrified. He told me he wanted to be with me forever. I told him WHOA, slow down. I was scared but I allowed myself to settle into a relationship with someone who seemed to have good intentions, was sweet and trustworthy. I fell in love with him and I was scared.
to be continued….