image Important Flashback: Questioning everything…

So, after the last post I’m sure you can see kinda where this is headed…Maybe not? Anyways shortly after my magical discovery about nutrition, I became more focused on food,not just food by itself but how it affected my workouts. I was still in the fitness industry for another 2.5 years before I moved on to Trader Joe’s so workouts at this point was the focus. To not only help myself but my clients as well.

I believed deeply in things that I began reading and I listened intently to some of the members at the gym who were training for body building competitions and people who had been long time members I had a relationship with. Oh, and with other trainers who had many years on me.

I trained my ass off to the point where people had started asking me if I was ok because I had lost so much weight. My lowest weight was a 112 and I even look at pictures of myself back then and I think “shit they were right!” Now this was at the time where I had started getting rid of all the “bad” stuff that I knew about.

I was a top trainer at the gym by this point and had a set schedule that most trainers would kill to have. I was working a 6-2 weekday only schedule and it was amazing.

REWIND A BIT… Back to December 2002

There is more that goes into this story and I don’t think I can fully explain my past without including this crucial part (that I wanted to leave out) but…during my time there I had formed a relationship with the personal training director, my boss. This was a complicated relationship because I had been engaged while working there and then married and then divorced, in a short time. I spent so much time there and we just clicked.

During the time right before I was married I had met HIM in December 2002 (that will be his name) and my thoughts were “this guy is an ass”. He came to our club right after our other PT director was let go. HIM was much younger than most of the trainers(19 yrs old) and had such a cocky attitude. I was immediately attracted to him and his confidence.  As much as I wanted to stay away because I was engaged, i couldn’t.  I found myself spending more and more time at the gym during my off time working out and learning from him.  He knew a lot for such a young guy. Oh I was 23 at the time, forgot to mention that.

You may be wondering why I am telling you this..

Well HIM is a giant reason why my life went in a whole new direction. I never had anyone make such an impact on my life, someone who made me really think, someone who made me feel so good about doing things I was unsure of (taking chances and just having fun), and someone who just made me feel happy (during that time of uncertainty).  I had also never made such an important connection with anyone else but my fiancé….ever, and looking back now, me and the man I was about to marry did not have conversations that inspired me, we just had fun and enjoyed each others company. But with HIM there was the fun, company and all that other good stuff. This is why I had to include HIM, many more connections in my life come from meeting HIM. So I couldn’t leave HIM out of the story.

Now to be clear here HIM and I never officially dated or were a couple.  We sort of just fucked with each others heads, true story.. During my highly emotional time of planning a wedding and having this sudden shock of “what the fuck am I doing” going through my head HIM was also going through his own shit and on top of that had been preparing for a bodybuilding competition and going through what seemed like male PMS. So put the two of those situations together and surprisingly we got along wonderfully. Weird I know.

During this whole time, which by the way wasn’t even a long period of time (about 5 months) but seemed like a lifetime, I was so scared to call off my wedding.  I was scared of what my parents would say, scared of how my fiancé would take it, how all of the guests would feel.  I was worried about hurting everyone else and not even taking my feelings into consideration.

I finally did sit my fiancé down and told him I just wasn’t ready and he basically told me it’s now or never… What do you think I did? I got married.

On the day of my wedding I was terrified and I hyperventilating in the corner of the church just before I walked down the aisle. I convinced myself that I was just nervous and I would get over it. But the truth was I knew I didn’t want to be there.

I got married, tried to be happy and have fun time at the reception.  I was dancing having a grand old time but then I turn my head and who do I see…HIM…

Know this… I don’t and never will regret meeting HIM even though my life took a huge turn…

To be continued…

xoxo, laurenjean



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